She/he hit me first: Dealing with personal loss and healing the need to get even
Presenter: Becky Bailey, Loving Guidance, Inc.
State dictates behavior. We have been teaching children that getting even works and rids them of their pain. We teach them that the more out of control I feel the more I try to control others.
To help manage your inner states use active calming. Repeat to yourself, I’m Safe, I’m Calm, I Can Handle This. Then relax and solve the problem.
For children, the problem starts when they feel pain. Seeking attention is a defense against seeking connection, but connection wires the brain for willingness and impulse control.
Attunement is to focus on the inner world (state) of another person. Attunement creates the highest neural integration we can measure. Presence is the key. Use empathy: “Your body is going like this. “ Tell and retell from the child’s perspective.
There are three voices that say, “Am I safe?” “Am I loved?” and “What can I learn?” You can’t teach a child which words to use in a situation until that child feels safe and loved.
In a day care setting toddlers suffer loss 9 times an hour. Preschoolers suffer loss 5 times an hour.